Stevie Wonder Can Drive a Car if He Wants To

Transcript

Matt: So I still also forgot that I wanted to come up with, like some intro thing we would say at the.

Kelli: Did you work on that at all?

Matt: I did not.

Matt: It’s Quiche-Anon, that podcast that you love to listen to about conspiracy theories and food.

Matt: I’m your host, Matt,

Kelli: And I’m Kelli.

Matt: Like that was perfect.

Kelli: Who needs an intro?

Matt: I don’t know, but. But Val keeps asking me for it, so.

Kelli: Well, Val’s a real bitch.

Matt: So a few months ago, it might have been might have been even our second episode. I don’t know. I should know these things early on in our catalog. We had an episode all about celebrity conspiracies and there was just so much content that we knew we had to do another one. And guess what? This is another one. So we’re going to talk a little bit about some more celebrity conspiracies and which is really just a way to talk about entertainment. That’s really what we want to talk about. Yes. Kelli, are there any 90 day fiancee conspiracies?

Kelli: I’m going to check on that right away as soon as I will watch all those seasons over again for research if I have to, because I am committed to the pod. I was dropping some hints about this week’s recording on our Instagram @quicheanon. And a few of you did guests right away what our first subject would be. And that is a Stevie Wonder really blind.

Kelli: Who’s to say?

Matt: I feel like this goes into a there’s a lot of ones. We had things like this where it’s trying to prove that someone is not who they claim or, you know, I think people feel good about proving that someone’s trying to get one over on them, but they figured it out. So I wonder if that’s where things like this come in, because also, like I mean, I want to dig into this and understand where this comes from. But I will go on record as saying, like, I really don’t care if he if I’m not blind and pretending to be. That’s probably, you know, like questionable moral character. But that’s not what I’m listening to. Songs in the key of life for.

Matt: The theory is that he that he can?

Kelli: the theory is that he can see people believe he is faking being completely blind. And on that, we have three separate subjects today and all three of them like match ups. That is kind of people trying to prove that someone isn’t who they say they are. So it’s definitely something that’s in our our culture. But Stevie Wonder was born in nineteen fifty in Saginaw, Michigan. He was born prematurely, which caused his retinas to detach. It’s called retinopathy of prematurity. What I did find out that was interesting is he is one of four thousand babies born in the 50s in the United States that are blind because of this disorder, because at the time the doctors thought the way to treat the retinopathy of prematurity was to give the babies pure oxygen, which actually caused them all the retinas to detach and the babies to all go blind. So it’s actually just a big medical failure in the part of the United States. Probably the world. I don’t know really.

Matt: Or is that it’s an ongoing concern?

Kelli: No, no. They had stopped feeding babies pure oxygen.

Matt: I just sort of wanted to make sure that, you know,

Kelli: I who knows what was happening in the 50s. They also knocked women out to give birth back then. And we’re like, oh, that’s very, very bad. So Stevie Wonder has been blind basically since birth or shortly thereafter. And he was educated at a school for the blind in Michigan. But in recent years, probably the past 10 years, there’s been increasing conspiracies that he can see.

Matt: I mean, the people who claim he can see, do they think that, like, he got better or that he’s been faking since he was like in the school for the blind like this is this is this this grift that little Stevie Wonder started when he was like five years old?

Kelli: I think the theory is that he eventually at some point could see. But also remember, Stevie Wonder got his recording contract at Motown when he was like eleven. So I don’t know what was going on when he was 11, but maybe someone was like, hey, kid, you’re sticking to the idea that you’re blind forever. But he did make comments back in nineteen ninety nine that he was getting an experimental surgery in.

Matt: Nineteen nineteen eighty nine or nineteen ninety nine?

Kelli: Ninety nine.

Matt: Ninety nine. Got it.

Kelli: Party like it’s nineteen ninety nine party and you’re Stevie Wonder getting surgery to cure your congenital?

Kelli: Is that the thing. We’re OK. Sorry.

Matt: You’re the one who works in health care. Like why are you asking me about containers or kubernetes or whatever.

Kelli: I still haven’t googled kubenetes. It’s OK. So in nineteen ninety nine he was said he was having an experimental surgery on his retinas to reattach them. I’m not sure if this ever happened. There was no follow up on Steve’s part. Stevie Wonder also says a lot of things we’ll learn, OK. Oh, Stevie Wonder loves to talk a little shit. So Bomani Jones from ESPN started feeling these rumors and he was on a show and gave a whole thing and did a bunch of Twitter posts about how Stevie Wonder

Kelli: Can see and used a bunch of examples which I will get into a few of the main conspiracy, the main evidence that people have that Stevie Wonder can see is that in twenty fourteen he was giving a concert with Paul McCartney and Paul McCartney walked by Stevie Wonder and knocked the mic over and Stevie caught it.

Matt: Have these people never seen Daredevil? Don’t they understand the other senses are heightened? I mean, I’m half talking shit and I’m also a little serious.

Kelli: You are not talking shit. I’ve had the same issue with all of these theories because the people of the Internet claiming that Stevie Wonder see think that blind people’s only skill is just sitting in a dark room and staring at nothing like these people are like Stevie Wonder can see. Don’t you see he was walking on. No, blind people can do so much. I mean, especially if you’ve been blind since you were born, like you’ve never known anything else.

Kelli: You’ve developed other ways to deal with things. And I will get into at the end another man who is blind. It goes on YouTube to defend Stevie Wonder and kind of refute all these claims. But so he caught this falling microphone. He said he wanted to perform on Dancing with the Stars.

Kelli: And people think it was just madness that you would even aspire to be a ballroom dancer,

Matt: Because if you you can only have, like, nutty ideas, if you can see. Right. Like, it’s I mean, I can understand. First of all, I think it’s actually kind of shitty to even say like that because someone can’t see doesn’t mean they couldn’t dance, because I’m fairly certain that’s not true.

Kelli: Also very abelist. I don’t like it.

Matt: Right. Right, right, right.

Matt: But even so, it’s like even if we if we accept the probably wrong postulate that blind people can’t dance, that doesn’t mean that a blind person couldn’t have a nutty idea. Right. I mean, like the idea that he wants to do. Yeah, it’s just come on, people - abelist assholes,

Kelli: Abelist assholes.

Kelli: It also reminds me of my favorite episode of Gilmore Girls when the blind sister comes to town and sets their house on fire.

Matt: Wait, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Matt: How do I not.

Kelli: Golden Girls.

Kelli: Oh, did I say the wrong girl I said Gilmore.

Matt: You said Gilmore Girls.

Kelli: Because I’m currently doing a Gilmore rewatch.

Matt: OK, you know, I’m saying you’re going like, who’s blind sister? Was it like Aunt Patty’s sister or something? Because like, that could be a little bit. But that’s totally that’s only.

Kelli: Only Babette’s sister would burn down the house on accident. Stevie Wonder. Also one of the stories that comes out I’ll get into more detail about this but is that he bought a plasma TV and announced it. And I was like, well, he lives with other people. What is it? We can’t have a no TV rule in our home because Stevie Wonder is blind. Also, I sometimes have the TV on and I’m only listening.

Matt: I was just reminded I’m sorry, I don’t want to go off, but I just thought of one of my favorite, Stevie Wonder stories.

Kelli: Please definitely go off on a tangent, because that’s what this is for.

Matt: That’s what it’s for. OK, so I have a friend of mine who in the olden days before he stopped working in the music industry, but he was a he was a music composer and he did mixing and he would do all these kind of work. As you can imagine, anybody that works in the music industry has a lot of fantastic stories. He has a really great one about Santana eating an ear of corn on the cob at Taste of Chicago, but that’s for another episode. But this one is so my friend tells a story where sometimes they would do recordings and maybe be in the mix. So this is like a little bit pre Internet just to keep in mind, because right now you’d be like, wouldn’t you just do this on Zouma or something? But like, let’s say Slash was going to record with you when he’s in L.A. and you’re in Chicago, like they would connect over high speed data cables like ISDN. And, you know, you could actually do a remote recording, which was.

Kelli: A good old ISDN cable .

Kelli: something I know what that is?

Matt: It’s like a digital phone line. My friend was setting up for a remote recording session and he is talking to the person on the other line about like we got to get over there sitting on the phone and they’re like, we got to he’s like kind of on a speakerphone. He’s like, OK, so we have to do that. And he’s like, are you seeing three green lights right now? And through the speakerphone, he hears Stevie Wonder’s voice say, I can’t see anything, friend. Yeah. So what are some of these other besides the magically catching a microphone or daring to want to, you know, like reality ballroom dance? Yeah.

Kelli: Stevie Wonder also sits courtside at a lot of basketball games.

Kelli: And the people it knows that blind people can go out. You can’t enjoy things.

Kelli: You know, they these people on the Internet are like eff everything Helen Keller worked so hard for. Stevie Wonder should not enjoy a single moment of his life outside of his home because he is a Stevie Wonder, though, and this is my real theory, is that Stevie Wonder likes to fuck with us because he gave an interview to TMZ outside LAX once and said that his favorite hobby was. Flying and landing planes, right, which I really appreciate about Stevie Wonder. He also when people ask him if he can see and ask him if these rumors are true, tells people that the truth will be revealed next year every single time. I just really love him for that.

Matt: Well, you kind of have to be like, that’s the thing, because I’m sure, like, that’s you know, when you have to deal with stuff like that, with people like this and doing all that, like, you almost have to get kind of a little bit of a dark sense of humor about it, just sort of lean into it.

Kelli: A lot of the rumors stem from stories his friends have told on talk shows. So I think it’s totally a thing where they can tell these crazy stories.

Matt: They’re kind of into it, too, like.

Kelli: Yeah, which I would do of my own. I mean, if my friend was blind and people were like, they’re not blind, I would I would screw totally buy into it. Yeah. So Lionel Richie told the story once where he went to Stevie Wonder’s house and Stevie was like, Do you want to hear my new song? And Lionel Richie was like, absolutely. And Stevie’s like, it’s in my car. So they go in the car and Stevie Wonder puts a cassette tape in the car and starts backing out of the driveway, which is, again, absolutely something a blind person would be able to do it because it’s their driveway and they know how to. Yeah. In twenty sixteen he was presenting at the Grammys and he fumbled with an envelope and kind of caught it midair and then looked down. He opened the envelope and looked at it as if he was reading it and then announced the winner, which again is something that he was obviously like messing with everyone. Like they obviously told him who the winner was backstage, I’m assuming. And then he just looked like he was reading it. Shaquille O’Neal has probably my favorite story of this because they live in the same apartment complex in Los Angeles. And Shaq was in the elevator and it opened and Stevie Wonder got on and just said, hey, Shaq, and then press the button for me.

Matt: Maybe Shaq has a very distinct, you know, like pheromones or something, you know, like.

Kelli: So actually, the guy who did the YouTube video talking about how blind people have heightened other senses, talks about how there’s like vibrations and kind of echoes that come off of people. And because Shaq is so huge, his would likely be felt and uh.

Matt: Yeah. Yeah, memorable.

Kelli: And I’m assuming like Shaquille O’Neal and Stevie Wonder aren’t like living in some random apartment complex, like they know who lives in this apartment. Right, right. Right.

Matt: It’s that, you know, like, oh, hey, it’s Shaq or whatever.

Kelli: Who would have thought the other big thing people do bring into this is because Stevie Wonder was born blind or was blind shortly after birth, he wouldn’t have any abject memory. But they forget that he can touch things and learn things and that blind people aren’t dumb, they just can’t see. So it really is kind of ablest B.S., but fun nonetheless, because Stevie Wonder himself seems to think it is fun. Oprah, but Stevie Wonder, a car and the Internet goes nuts for this because they just don’t understand why Stevie Wonder would have a car. But people have cars for lots of reasons, like they’re worth money. Stevie Wonder was also photographed using a camera to take photographs of the Motown Museum, which people on the Internet really hate. And they really think Boy George has a story. That’s whatever people now want to say. Stevie Wonder was homophobic for this, but I just think they’re friends. And Boy George said it wasn’t homophobic, but Stevie Wonder went up to him at a party and playfully strangled him. And Boy George just told this anecdote on a talk show and then was like, well, how is Stevie do that if he can’t see? But obviously, like, Boy George was joking. I watched the clip. Anthony Anderson, the comedian, said Stevie Wonder challenged him to a free throw competition.

Matt: And one I think that’s more talking about his skill but his skill level. That’s right. Right.

Matt: I also feel like a lot of this to get in the way. You’re saying it like we don’t really know. But I you know, it’s like, oh, well, so and so said this. And it’s the kind of thing that you would make a joke about. And then someone’s like, oh, well, it’s got to be real.

Kelli: I mean, that’s literally what it is. That’s just it’s like Stevie Wonder, celebrity friends, P. Diddy said in an interview that Stevie Wonder once came up to him and complimented his outfits, which I love, because I would do that all the time if I was blind, because who cares? I would just be like you. Your outfit is so good.

Kelli: Stevie Wonder also was at Steve Harvey’s house once, and Steve Harvey told Stevie that he had a new truck. So Stevie Wonder got in the new truck and started driving it, which again, I’m assuming like you can learn to drive if you’re blind, like, you shouldn’t be probably on the roads. But I don’t know. I don’t want to be able to sit and watch what happens live. Chaka Khan says she knows he can see, which I love. She didn’t give any evidence.

Kelli: She just said she knows.

Kelli: The game was that she had to reveal a secret.

Kelli: And that was the secret she revealed.

Kelli: You know, the man on YouTube that kind of goes into all this stuff and why it’s B.S. and how blind people can do things is it’s called the Tommy Edison experience for anyone who wants to check out the video. But in conclusion, Stevie Wonder is fucking with all of us. And I really love that for him. And I would too.

Matt: Who kind of putting on a master class of trolling everybody. Respect.

Kelli: Absolutely, absolutely.

Matt: So we’re pretty sure you can see.

Kelli: Yeah, in conclusion, he’s not blind. And his mom made up this illness when he was born, knowing that some knowing. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean, who knows, maybe he got that surgery in nineteen ninety nine and never told anyone. Just told his friends. I don’t know.

Matt: And like that would be almost I don’t want to say more believable but that almost but but also I don’t think you would run that, that card for 20 years. Like let’s say, let’s say your Stevie Wonder and you get surgery and you can see like it would actually be kind of fun to pretend that it didn’t happen and then, like, do a bunch of stuff for people like, oh my God, how could he do that? He’s daredevil then to be like I could see. But like for 20 years, that’s like a long prank.

Kelli: It’s a very long con and I don’t know who knows, maybe he got the surgery and got some vision back and wants to keep it private. Like I can’t begrudge him that. Yeah, I don’t know. Stevie Wonder also recently announced he’s moving to Ghana so his children or his grandchildren can have a better life. I think. I don’t know. I just think Stevie Wonder likes to troll us because he’s said this like ten times in the past ten years. And again, I mean, if I were Stevie Wonder, I would be saying a lot of crap because I just have Stevie Wonder and I can.

Matt: What do we got next? I got Val in my ears.

Kelli: No, Val’s really just a task master.

Kelli: Next is that Stephen King killed John Lennon, OK, which I thought was something you made up. But there’s many websites devoted. That’s what I’m saying.

Matt: So this is not just one out there thing. This is like, this is Canon.

Kelli: This is a movement started by a man named Steve Lightfoot, and he has a website called Lennon Murder Truth Dotcom. Do not go to this website of yours sober, OK? Because I made that mistake and I want to save the rest of you from making that mistake. You have to have some substances before you go to one and murder True.com because you can’t even understand it if you’re sober. Steve Lightfoot, this man basically posits that Stephen King assassinated John Lennon and that Mark David Chapman was a lookalike for Stephen King and he was the fall guy because it’s just part of a government conspiracy,

Matt: Because there’s not like plenty of non famous people that the government could use for assassination.

Matt: You know, like that’s their main job.

Kelli: Right. If this website said that Mark David Chapman was a government assassin set out to kill John Lennon, I’d be like, OK, sure. I mean, I feel like Stephen King got involved. I’m like, well, I have questions.

Matt: I kind of feel like if you’re trying to be like a sneaky assassin, you you don’t pick somebody who has a high public profile that, you know, I mean, granted, maybe they’re like, well, it’s a writer. Nobody actually looks at them or anything, but still. But it’s Stephen King.

Kelli: You know what, though? This was all thought up by Richard Nixon and Ronald Reagan. So you don’t know where their heads were at. OK, they got together with Stephen King, had Stephen King drop hints to the news media and they dropped hints to the news media.

Matt: Because because, again, people are always hinting at nefarious things for no reason.

Matt: That makes any kind of sense.

Kelli: You know, it doesn’t make sense at all? All of his clues and all of his evidence. That’s what doesn’t make sense.

Matt: I mean, did these people learn nothing from the Wet Bandits? You don’t leave a calling card because that’s how they can be connected. Come on.

Kelli: Ok, and it’s because my mouth is full of, like, silver right now. I kept calling myself Joe Pesci because he has all those silver teeth when he’s the weapon. That’s OK. So Ronald Reagan and Richard Nixon and Stephen King were just having beers, as they always did together.

Matt: And they’re like, you know, who needs to die?

Kelli: John Lennon.

Kelli: The evidence begins with secret government codes and major bold print in the News of the World magazine. And so he took letters from these prints.

Kelli: But when he does them, it’s not even like they’re the first letter of all the headlines. It was just a letter.

Matt: It was “any letter that added up into the sentence I wanted it to be”.

Matt: look, what happens if you take the letters of these sentences and put them in the order that would make this sentence. It spells the sentence.

Kelli: It’s not far off. So he says that all the letters in the headlines made made the phrase thinking about John Lennon. Johnny comes marching home, kiss, kiss, bang, bang. Ouch. The job Richard Nixon really wanted blasting the opposition. America needs a poet laureate, maybe heeding those subtle signs. All the president’s magazines, which is an alternate title for all the president’s men, all the presidents magazines. And then it continues the killer’s face and true identity printed two months before the crime. So you think they’re giving retroactive clues, but.

Matt: Plus also why?

Matt: Why would it be printed before?

Kelli: Matt? I don’t know. I don’t want to get into Steve Lightfoot’s head because this website terrified me to the very core of my soul. And the reason he popularized this is because he drove around the country in a van that had Stephen King killed. John Lennon painted on it. The last code, though, the final clue was that one great big Zippo, lighter perils of pyro kinesis. And you know what doesn’t make any sense? Because John Lennon was not killed by being set on fire. So I’m not really sure what that meant. He also said that the names Mark David Chapman were hidden among the headlines, but they were not. And I’ll get to that later. There was also a photo printed the day of the assassination of the day after the month before. I don’t know. But it was Ronald Reagan sitting next to Richard Nixon’s book called The Real War. And above Reagan in the photo it was printed, who’s in, who’s out? But it was literally because Reagan had just won the presidential election. And then below it, it says, fitting together the pieces of a complicated jigsaw. I don’t know what that means.

Matt: It’s definitely complicated.

Kelli: Lightfoot does a rewind on his website, though. He backs us up to how this all started. And it was when Richard Nixon tried to deport John Lennon. Richard Nixon wrote the prancing of the trendies, rock stars, beautiful people of New York who say war is bad and peace is good must be removed from the stage of public debate by whatever means a fly swatter, if possible. So that’s kind of the Richard. They say Richard Nixon wanted to deport John Lennon. And when he couldn’t do that and he got kicked out of office, whatever resigned that they had to recruit Stephen King to kill John Lennon because, you know, there were no other assassins to be found.

Matt: So they had to go to the novelists.

Kelli: And I mean, Richard Nixon, who had nothing else to lose, he could have done it himself. Stephen King wrote a book called Firestarter and Litefoot. People are going to think I’m talking about Lori Lightfoot.

Kelli: Stephen Lightfoot says that the author photo of Stephen King and Firestarter resembles Mark David Chapman. Exactly. And that was the first hint that he was the real assassin and Chapman was a body double.

Matt: Also, Drew Barrymore was in Firestarter.

Kelli: Is it a movie?

Matt: Oh, yeah. Yeah. Like young Drew Barrymore.

Kelli: Yeah. I usually find all the weird B movies that are conspiracies are related to. So I didn’t watch this one.

Matt: I, I wouldn’t have. Firestarter wasn’t really a B movie, it was like a pretty well known film.

Matt: Er same director is Comando.

Kelli: I’ve never seen Comando either.

Matt: But. But you were aware of it.

Kelli: No. Missing from my repertoire.

Matt: That’s OK.

Kelli: OK, so there is a photo of Mark David Chapman getting an autograph from John Lennon and Lightfoot alleges that this photo doesn’t look like Mark David Chapman does after he gets arrested. But it looks exactly like Stephen King. It does not look like really they both are going to be honest, in my notes I wrote, Mark David Chapman and Stephen King were both really ugly in nineteen eighty and they just had similar ugliness. So he says that the proportions don’t match Mark David Chapman based on this picture, but they matched Stephen King based on the features more centrally boxed into the middle of the face, which paints a real pretty picture. And the hair is the wrong texture. But the guy getting the autographs autograph has dimples. Mark David Chapman doesn’t have dimples. Stephen King has dimples. I still don’t know why this picture had to be the assassin. I don’t know. OK, so he thinks that Stephen King started setting the code, setting the stage for his assassination attempt five years before the assassination during Salem’s Lot, because he describes shooting a man between the shoulder blades and Salem’s Lot. And then in a dead zone, he writes about stalking politicians with a gun. And the man is named John.

Matt: I mean, to be honest with as prolific as Stephen King was, you could pin almost anything on him if he’s advertising things in his books because he’s written about pretty much everything.

Kelli: I also just in general, read a lot. And we could have picked any author for this that has someone being shot between the shoulder blades and a character named John in their book. I just pour Litefoot. He also Litefoot believe Stephen King sent him messages via an interview in Playboy to tell them to stop uncovering the conspiracy, but also to keep looking because he didn’t have it quite figured out. But he was close a November twenty fourth nineteen eighty. He points to evidence in the News and World Report because he says the name Mark David Chapman appears in hidden code. But what he means by that, because I looked this up, is that someone wrote Mark my words. And then there was a man named Chapman, Roger Chapman, who wrote in. And then in a separate letter, there was a man named David King that wrote in Mark David Chapman. It’s it’s all right there. I don’t know why many others connect the dots to kill. Listen up, sheeple. OK, start reading your letters to the editor because there’s clues. So the person who does this website, Litefoot, also says he got two letters from Stephen King under the fake name Dennis Seeley.

Kelli: He said the first one in nineteen eighty four that was from Dennis Seeley, a.k.a. Stephen King, complimented him on almost uncovering this conspiracy. But the second letter, it was a bribe and a threat because the second letter contained the phrase, Will you pay fifty dollars for a picture? How how diabolical. Also, I started to feel bad because the man who runs this website obviously has mental illness. And I felt really bad because this was like reading schizophrenia. And I’m just literally trying to say that. And this was just like reading schizophrenia on a website. And I just feel terrible for him. And I also feel like had trauma because you said two weeks after the assassination attempt, his dad was killed in a small plane crash on the anniversary of Richard Nixon’s resignation. So he thinks it’s all connected. And I just feel very sad for him. But I think we all know Mark David Chapman, who admitted to killing John Lennon, was the one who killed John Lennon. And it’s not like the CIA secret had him out of jail. Like you just had to stay there, right?

Matt: Yeah, it’s pretty it’s pretty straightforward.

Kelli: No, no, no. We’re about I don’t know what his incentive would have been. You just had to stay in jail forever because of like, why would you do that? But, yeah, that’s it on that, Mark David Chapman killed John Lennon. I don’t care what this website says. Stephen King, probably not, but I bet Stephen King’s murdered someone. I don’t know, not to slander Stephen King.

Matt: So I think our last one is as a little bit back to people saying that they are someone that they aren’t or act misidentifying. And that is, you know, I remember this from like my school day. You know, there’s very questionable there’s a lot of mystery surrounding the Bard, William Shakespeare. But I have to say, some of the things in your notes, I was not quite aware. We never talked about that in Britain, but we did not cover this. What are the prevailing theories about? About I mean, because there’s things about did he really write the plays? Was he a pseudonym for someone else? But never some of the things you’ve the journey you’re going to take us up.

Kelli: So speaking of Helen Keller, earlier in the the Stevie Wonder segment, she is one of the leading people that Shakespeare wasn’t who he studied. What’s her? And Mark Twain had a theory that he was Francis Bacon.

Matt: And that’s what I’ve heard. And I think there’s like I don’t want to say something to it, but like, that sort of adds up a little bit. You know, you’re like, OK, you know.

Kelli: So there’s there’s actually four or five that I get into here seriously, and Francis Bacon isn’t the one I believe, but I do believe it was Christopher Marlowe.

Matt: That’s right. I think it was Marlowe.

Kelli: Yeah, I remember there is Marlowe Bacon there, Mary Sidney, Queen Elizabeth, the first herself, Amelia Berzano.

Kelli: And I know whatever I wrote Queen Elizabeth the second in our notes and that’s my fault. I was confused, but they’re both really old. OK, so these theories run rampant because basically the Oxford itself and Cambridge University believe Shakespeare wasn’t who he said he was because his plays have a lot of like Greek and Latin references and roots. And they take place a lot in Italy. And they’re all very kind of historically accurate. But Shakespeare had no education in Latin or Greek or the classics. He had never traveled outside of England, so he wouldn’t have known all these things. They’re basically saying he was too dumb to be this great prolific writer, which is so rude and classist, but also probably correct for the time because the information did not flow freely.

Matt: Well, right, right. Right. Know, I mean, it’s not that he was too dumb. It was just that would have how would he have this information? Right. Because it was exactly a library that you could just sort of waltz on down home and read every book like a curious kid or whatever.

Kelli: There was very little information and not many books. And the monks guarded them very strictly or whomever Sigmund Freud and Walt Whitman believe it was Marleau, Mark Twain and Helen Keller are among the people who think it was Francis Bacon. Some people think it was Queen Elizabeth the first. That one makes the least sense, though, because he was born five years after she started her reign as queen. And he produced many works after her death. But she did know him and see his plays when she was older. So maybe she ghostwrote for him for like a Skoch. So Francis Bacon, a very intelligent man, the inventor of the scientific method, a philosopher, a big deal in the Tudor court. They say that they could use Shakespeare as a cover because he needed a secret identity to make his plays and poetry because it was very critical of the government that he worked for.

Matt: Ok, which makes I mean, that’s. Yeah, I mean, of course, you know these things. Why that’s why pseudonyms exist because.

Kelli: Yeah. And I think he didn’t want to use a pseudonym, so he just want to create this fake identity and hell. Right. This right. Yeah.

Kelli: You know, but you’re right. Unlike Stephen King killing John Lennon, these are all based in reality. So Baconator the secret identity.

Kelli: And basically people just think this, like we said, because Shakespeare’s too dumb to have wrote this and that. Bakan left clues and ciphers in the works, showing that he was actually Shakespeare and hidden mostly in these works is taken secretly announcing that he is Elisabet, the first son, which are I mean, there are many conspiracies that Elizabeth had a secret child like Mary Magdalene just can’t catch a break. Just everyone thinks you have secret babies. Then there’s Edward Diverter, the 17th Earl of Oxford, a poet and a dramatist who is very famous for his poems and dramas. But he stopped publishing right before Shakespeare started publishing, and he was obsessed with Italian culture. A lot of his Shakespeare’s stuff was published after his death. And then there’s Mary Sedney. There’s the whole Shakespeare was secretly a woman because women weren’t allowed to do things. Mary Sidney was very educated, very classically trained, a very good writer and playwright. She was the sister of Philip Sidney, who was a man who was allowed to do all these things because he was a man and she wasn’t very rude. And she was also at Queen Elizabeth, the first court. So she would have known a lot of the things that he writes about at court and her theater company that she secretly funded because women weren’t allowed to fund the theater companies produced Shakespeare’s first place.

Matt: So, OK, so I don’t want to, but I’m just trying to trying to the thing that always still got me with this was like, did everybody like was everybody in on this? And it’s like only posterity that we’re like, are the suckers that didn’t realize, like everybody knew that William Shakespeare was just another name for someone else or.

Kelli: So with the women, Mary Sidney.And then there’s one other Amelia Personell. Yes, everyone was in on it. They were producing these things. William Shakespeare was their front man. He got to get some money.

Matt: Oh, he was the nice wife and life. Right. So he was a person. Yeah, it’s not like that.

Matt: It’s a made up identity. Like what you know about did William Shakespeare actually do this or was he like up front, like.

Kelli: Shakespeare very much existed.

Matt: Right. Right, right. That’s what I wanted to kind of get that clarified that that’s more he was like there.

Kelli: It’s almost like Cyrano. Is that what I’m thinking of you?

Matt: Yes or no, right or the movie Roxanne with Steve Martin? Yeah.

Kelli: A classic, a great Rom-Com.

Matt: You must love the little birdies to give them this to perch on!

Kelli: Daryl Hannah, right?

Matt: Yeah. Yeah.

Matt: Your name wouldn’t be Dick, would it?

Kelli: You’re a big fan of Roxanne

Matt: I love that movie, and I tell you most of the time that I watched it, well, it was like at a certain point in my life as a child, like there was a limited number of VHS tapes that my parents. Absolutely. And Roxanne was one of them. And I’m pretty sure at the age I was at when I was watching Roxanne a lot, I shouldn’t have been. But also I was at the appropriately young age that I did not understand. I didn’t know what it was, the things that I wasn’t that were like like if I watch it now, I’m like, oh my God, I can’t believe that I watched that when I was 11 or whatever.

Kelli: No, absolutely. But no.

Kelli: So for the women that they say might have been Shakespeare, like he was definitely a player in their lives, like he definitely existed. But he was not intelligent, wasn’t writing poems or plays or sonnets. The last woman is Amelia Berzano. She was a London born Venetian woman. Her parents are both Venetian. She was the first woman in England to publish poetry. And she also worked with Shakespeare at his theater company at the Globe and worked with Mary. And basically, Amelia was a very uncommon name in Tudor, England. Like I said, she was a Venetian woman, but it appears in many, many plays money time. So they think that’s like the little Easter egg. But the most fascinating one and the one I think might kind of be true is Christopher Marlowe. So he was publishing at the same time as William Shakespeare for a little while. They have very similar writing styles. So that works. Published by Christopher Marlowe, or similar to the works published by Shakespeare, Marlowe had a very similar background to Shakespeare. He was born poor, basically, and he would have known Shakespeare. However, someone took notice of his intelligence and educated him at Cambridge, which is how he became to publish. Christopher Marlowe was stabbed to death in fifty ninety three, but there’s many theories that this was faked. And there’s two reasons they think Christopher Marlowe faked his own death. One was because he was under he had a religious arrest warrant out for him because he was doing unreligious things, which I assume means butt stuff in Tudor, England.

Kelli: Honestly.

Matt: The Tudors main heresy was butt stuff.

Kelli: That’s all they could talk about, arresting people for. And then also he was allegedly one of England’s first secret agents and worked undercover for Queen Elizabeth and Cecil. I don’t know who Cecil is, so didn’t care if it was a little bit of a connection.

Matt: So maybe Stephen Lightfoot’s on to something with the state recruiting authors to do this kind of stuff. It’s a tradition going all the way back to Marlowe.

Kelli: It all comes together, doesn’t it? Shakespeare’s first work went on sale, so Shakespeare had written some stuff, but his first popular work was published and on sale to the masses two weeks after Marlowe stabbing death, which no one witnessed. And it was just said that he was found stabbed to death.

Matt: Like that’s just what happened. Yeah, for real. Like we’re totally not lying. That’s what happened.

Kelli: No, he was definitely found stabbed here in your tiny little Tudor English town. You better be scared.

Matt: Because if you do butt stuff, you will get stabbed.

Kelli: You guys have to really be careful of butt stuff in the Tudor, England, OK? You have to be careful. Elizabeth the first didn’t really like it. She will put you under a religious arrest.

Matt: You know what’s kind of a religious experience? Thin Mints.

Kelli: Do you mean Tagalongs?

Matt: No. Thin Mints, what is wrong with you?

Kelli: Tagalongs? .

Matt: At least you don’t like the, like, peanut butter sandwich version because those are like nobody wants those.

Kelli: I just ordered two boxes of of those.

Matt: Of the peanut butter sandwich ones?

Kelli: Yeah, yeah. I just got like eight boxes of Girl Scout cookies.

Matt: Well I was going to say, look, maybe you get those because you can’t only get Tagalongs and Thin Mints.

Kelli: I didn’t get any Thin Mints, Matt. I got news for you.

Matt: Maybe you haven’t ever tried them frozen.

Kelli: So they’re actually really good frozen. And now that you said that, I’m really mad that I didn’t get anything because I really like them when they’re frozen.

Matt: The problem with Thin Mints is that each box contains only two servings because a serving size of Girl Scout cookies, that is one sleeve. Yeah, we know this.

Kelli: When I get to log my Girl Scout cookies in Weight Watchers, I’m just going to be like one servings.

Matt: Well, it’s better than Samoa’s because like the Samoa’s is, that’s like two cookies in the box.

Kelli: I got two boxes of Samoa’s, two of the Do-Si-Does, those the peanut butter sandwiches, two Tagalongs. And I got one of the lemons and one of the s’mores.

Matt: The s’mores ones are. Yeah, those are kinda…

Kelli: I don’t know if I’ve had them

Matt: I haven’t. But I think I think they’re a little newer. And it also depends on where because they are regionally different because there’s two different bakeries.

Kelli: My Girl Scout dealer is in New York this year. That’s the person child chose to buy from this year. So but you’re right, he’s a love Girl Scout cookies season. I was a Girl Scout, so it’s a big deal in my life when I was eight.

Matt: I’m going to have to skip them this year, I think, because although I remember last time I bought a lot for the same thing was like from one of my one of my friends to my daughter, my daughter stopped doing Brownies. So we don’t really have an. Internal internal one, but I was one, one of my friends,

Kelli: You don’t have an inside source.

Matt: I don’t have an inside source now, although I do have an inside source for chocolate bunnies from my kid’s band, if you if you need some chocolate bunnies.

Kelli: I do. I just got chocolate Easter eggs.

Matt: Ok, let me see what I do. But I’m kind of annoyed because I feel like they don’t have, like a web, like they don’t have their act together with this thing. It’s kind of like what I will talk about because.

Kelli: What’s the company? Is it like World’s Finest.

Matt: No, it’s like the school like like I feel like..okay… Chocolate Bunny fundraiser details.

Matt: I’m going to edit some of this out

Kelli: don’t, just edit us talking.

Matt: OK, so this is what. This is what.

Matt: This is what it says. Please help your students sell chocolate bunnies to family and friends. Do not have them go door to door. So what they do is they’re like, oh here’s a oh here it is for anyone who might be interested. I’ve attached a PDF version of the order if you’re looking to make any online sales. But it’s like I don’t understand how they think you’re going to do online sales with a PDF. That’s a scan of of the order forms.

Kelli: Fill it in.

Matt: Right. Totally. Yeah.

Matt: So because I’m like, OK,

Kelli: Even I know how to do PDF.

Matt: When when my kids have some shit like this, I’m like, you know, the first thing they want to do is like unleash it on my social media because they’re like, well daddy, can you go on Twitter and get all these people to buy like popcorn or whatever, which is unfair.

Kelli: I had to really hustle to sell my shit,

Matt: But I can’t do this. I’m not going to be like, hey, hey, Twitter followers download this PDF and then Venmo me oh seven dollars.

Matt: Oh it is World’s Finest though.

Kelli: Oh it is World’s Finest. I’m surprised they even have a PDF because they’re still just letting you know, walk down the block.

Kelli: Yes.

Matt: They don’t have a PDF. This is the band director scanned the order form into a PDF. An email.

Kelli: World’s finest is hard to come by. You have to just hope you pass someone on the street with a box. It’s all you can do.

Matt: Well, Kelli. Well, you know, I can we can hook you up with some somebodies if you need some.

Kelli: I will say this guy I’ve been following on Twitter for years was tweeting that his daughter and Girl Scout cookies and I was like, yeah, I want cookies. So what a good way to hustle for your kid’s products.

Matt: Well, we’ll yeah, we’ll get that. Taking care of some chocolate bunnies listeners. I would I would say we would get to be able to buy chocolate bunnies for my kids, except for two reasons. One being the aforementioned PDF extravaganza,

Kelli: That you can’t fill in.

Matt: But also it’s the order turn in date is March 2nd. And I don’t think I think by the time you’re listening to this, it’s possible that that will be in the past.

Kelli: Time is a funny construct.

Matt: People think it’s linear, but it’s really more wibbly wobbly timey wimey

Kelli: Circular stuff. It’s where Stephen King does stuff.

Matt: Stephen King does do stuff. Val is well, Val’s given us the look.

Kelli: That means sorry, we really had to wrap up. Val just has somewhere to be.

Matt: I’m excited that we got ourselves another episode. And if you’re listening, I’m proud of you for getting getting through another episode of Quiche-Anon, because that’s how we like to think about it for our listeners, is that it is a struggle to listen to our show. We really hope, however, that it is a delight.

Kelli: It’s an exercise in endurance. I’m drunk off my one glass of wine because I’m on a liquid diet. I can’t take much.

Matt: It’ll work. It’ll work out great. We have six ratings on the iTunes store now. Four days, four point three. I believe we’re four point two last time.

Kelli: Is it still just that one one star review?

Matt: Yep, pretty much.

Kelli: I cherish it.

Matt: I would like to leave us a review in the iTunes store or go to Quiche-Anon dot com, slash iTunes and.

Kelli: Also please just like talk to us on our Instagram because I like that at Quiche-Anon on Instagram.

Matt: And by us we mean Kelli.

Matt: If you talk to Quiche-Anon on Instagram, protip you’re talking Kelli.

Kelli: I absolutely have already forgotten sometimes that I’m on Quiche-Anon and I get confused that I’m seeing people’s stories repeated that I’ve already seen. And I think Instagram is broken. And also I’m just I told my mom she looked really pretty. No, from Quiche-Anon. My mom’s our biggest fan.So I was going to say, I mean, that’s OK.

Matt: Like of all of the people to accidentally message from the podcast account. Your mom.

Kelli: My mom, yeah.

Matt: Should we have your mom on the show sometime?

Kelli: Yeah, absolutely. It would just I don’t have to be when she’s visiting me because there’s no way she could figure out a microphone. And unless she could, she’s going to be so mad. I said, yeah, she’ll just be like my Internet. Yeah. Like the Christmas zoom was a tough one. But yes,

Matt: She could call it we could make it like a call-in show.

Kelli: Oh yeah. Kath would love to call it. Yeah.

Matt: All right. Well, we’ll get Kelli’s mom on in the future, but.

Kelli: She can meet Val. Her and Val can prep and get her ready.

Matt: It already, but that kind of brings us to the end. You can find us on the Internet at Quiche-Anon Dotcom, as we’ve already made abundantly clear, you can find us on Instagram at Quiche-Anon and on Twitter at Quiche-Anon.

Kelli: And please keep sending us topics that you want us to talk about. Keep sending us conspiracies.

Matt: Please. We need the homework

Kelli: Please.

Matt: Oh, no. You said please. I was reiterating the pleas.

Matt: I was not correcting. I wasn’t like “and what do we say Kelli to our listeners when we asked them to do things for us”?

Kelli: Matt has to keep reminding me of my manners.

Matt: Oh, but again, as always, I am Matt.

Kelli: And I am Kelli.

Matt: This is Quiche-Anon. And remember the truth.

Kelli: And the tacos.

Matt: Are out there.